If you are reading this you probably already read my post titled "When in doubt, growl it out", where I disclosed my battle with postpartum depression and anxiety. When writing that post I was nervous, I had a million and one thoughts racing through my mind. "what would people think?" "How will people react?" "I'm so ashamed" "Will people think I'm a bad mother?" The list goes on and on...and all my minds "musings" on the matter were completely and utterly the opposite of what really happened. No one "un-friended me". No one told me to stop being stupid. No one in my life reacted negatively to my disclosure.
When I wrote that post I shed a mask- and I have never felt so free.
By giving myself the freedom to be who I am at each moment of each and every day was the best gift I could have given myself. My depression and anxiety are still there, but they don't rule me...I don't have to hide it, resist it, or fight it. I can move past it, accept it, and most importantly call on my friends and family for support when I need it, and they are always willing to answer the call. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a kick in the butt, or a sounding board needed - they answer the call.
A few days after my post was published I walked to my car after work. Typically I walk head down quickly - intent on my destination. However, since publishing my post I have actively been attempting to savor each moment,a task that is not always easy with three children from 3months-4 years old-but I digress. As I was walking I caught a vibrant splash of color out of the corner of my eye. I stopped walking and focused on the most gigantic, vibrant, complete double rainbow of my life! It was amazing...The sky still troubled and stormy, darker clouds looming in the distance, a spattering of rain, yet through it all this vivid color bomb of happiness and light. (The picture doesn't do it justice)
I could not help but think that rainbow was for me, the Universe's way of sending me a hug. I felt so much lighter after sharing my story. My depression and anxiety are still present, like the storm clouds surrounding the rainbow. However my world isn't black and white anymore either. I'm finding my colors again, and when I do, because I will, by golly I'm gonna let them shine! Be a rainbow in the eye of the storm.
I won't have sunny days and bright skies all my life, but my rain clouds aren't going to be constant either! Storms will come and go, and we all must go with the flow, but my storms don't rule me anymore. In fact I'm learning to dance in the rain.