January Happenings 2017

Well, 2017 has continued as 2016 ended- like a rabid bull in a china shop on lots of caffeine...but we are trying to enjoy each day as it comes. We still feel grateful for the whole experience thus far, and the many, many, many lessons learned (or that's what I tell myself on the days when I just want to throw in the towel...) For those of you who don't know the background- back in August we sold our house in Cheyenne and moved into what the kids deemed "The Happy Camper" in order to purchase land and build our little dream house in Fort Collins near Horsetooth Reservoir. We had a hiccup with the original land we put an offer down on, which was actually a blessing in disguise because we found a much better (and cheaper) option that had just come on the market! Now we await the bank to give us the final go to move forward and break ground- we are closer!! Hallelujah!!

We gave up the happy camper life in January and have been living in Cheyenne with my fabulous Grandma- it's been fun to watch the kids play and enjoy her like I did growing up. My Grandpa would be in seventh heaven! Ren lives part time with Bev and Steve to continue school (How is he in Kindergarten?!?) which has been hard for this Momma Bear to handle, but it just makes our time together more precious.

                       We look forward to February, and all it may bring- spread the love friends!

"We got this..."

“Be the change you wish to see in the world” This has been my motto for as long as I can remember in life. The peaceful presence of Gandhi has always inspired me to do good, make a change, and be a difference.  I’ve tried to emulate certain peacemakers in order to make a positive difference in the world- big or small every day.

The past month or so I have been through a multitude of emotional roller coaster rides. I’ve experienced unimaginable joy, unfathomable depression and pretty much every emotion in between. I have tried many of the same tactics that have, in the past, been successful at relieving despair and bringing the bigger picture to hand in order to change my perspective. They have not worked thus far…but these past few days have…

The past three months I have been overwhelmed with life and “adult” responsibilities. Selling our house, starting a new job, moving to another state, buying land, my oldest son starting Kindergarten, while raising a family of 5 (6 with our four legged lovely) in a 5^th wheel while we build a house on land mentioned above. It has been an adventure, a living experience, and ultimately something I will most likely look back on with fond memories….AFTER it’s over.

Add the ever-increasing problems humanity is now facing on top of this pile and when I think of all of it together – no wonder I’m overwhelmed. No wonder my motto of “Being the Change” seems too damn daunting…

But it doesn’t have to be…. I choose my legacy. I choose happiness. I choose to look one problem in the face at a time and smile. I can make that difference, no matter how small or insignificant it feels – the effects of one simple act of kindness ripple through my family, our neighborhood, the world, and ultimately myself. That is powerful, and it only takes a smile, a hug, an ear, or a shoulder. It takes two minutes away from the 1,440 in a day. Shoot boot! I spend way more than that distracting myself from important tasks at hand on my phone.

Easier said than done…but in the days, weeks, months to come I’m going to spend more time dreaming, less time scheming. Less time moping, more time hoping. More laughter, smiles, and hugs – to scare away all the humbugs.

I am going to Be the Change I wish to see in the World.

I am going to spread love, light, and happiness...

2016: A positive perspective change on my perfectly imperfect life

January has come, and goodness gracious, almost gone! 2016, I've decided, is going to be a fabulous year. I joke with my husband (you know the sexy Chinese medicine practitioner) that this year isn't going to be the year of the Monkey it's the year of the Goodier.

Due to this undoubtedly awesome year ahead I have been doing a lot of self reflection, meditation, and soul work. I have come to this conclusion.... I am not perfect, nor will I ever be...
What, what, what?!? Now, this may come as a surprise, since you know, I'm pretty darn amazing...but yep, I'm not perfect- and the kicker is that it is okay!

My Pintrest boards are laden with ways to make a perfectly clean house, perfect meals, and exercises to have the body of your dreams. Why? Why am I, and the rest of social media, so obsessed with finding perfection? This year I vow to find true happiness in the form of accepting and LOVING my perfectly imperfect life. House, body, soul...I am what I am, and that is enough! More than enough. My goal this year is to stop trying to be perfect, and just enjoy life as it comes, because if I try to be something unobtainable I will just be setting myself up for failure. And this year is too awesome for failure, it just is!

My house will never be magazine worthy (unless it's the poster child for the new reality series about what life is REALLY like with three adorable tornadoes and a dog affectionately called MooMoo by the two year old, while both parents work and run a household...) I will never have perfectly organized meal plans. I wont have a perfect body.
Why, because perfection is a myth...that's why.

We are all "perfect" with our imperfections. I have begun to feel that deep down, and this year I'm going to listen. Not so much of a soul search so to speak but more like taking time to slow down enough to listen to what my soul has been trying to tell me all along...

Why I'm keeping the faith, when I want to throw in the towel...

Thanksgiving kicks off my favorite time of the year! Meeting with friends and family to celebrate all the joys and blessings in our life, followed by an entire month of sharing happiness, kindness, and compassion...what's not too love?!?

Well, this year my favorite time of year has been taken away from me. And instead of whisking away the last of my postpartum depression it has worsened it. Why you may ask? Why instead of feeling joy and happiness do I look at the lights, at the tree decorated by my children with joy and feel sadness and a little despair? Well it struck me today why...
Because this year my favorite time of year is also accompanied by many violent attacks towards humankind- and although terrible I am not talking about Paris, or San Bernardino...I'm talking about the rest of it. The constant news reel bashing a religion for "raising terrorists" the news feeds on Facebook where someone will post about keeping Christ in Christmas and then say Keep those Damn refugees out of my country! My favorite time of year is my favorite because of all the love and joy spread to family, friends, neighbors, strangers....but this year love is being shadowed by fear and hate.

Well, my friends I'm standing up! I may not be tall, but I am loud and I am proud and I am taking my year back! Hate will not have a place in my house- it is NOT welcome here. That means in flesh, in technology, in thought...none shall enter. I intend to "Be the Change I wish to see in the World". I intend to raise my children with the belief that the human race is just that- ONE RACE regardless of faith, color, language, or God Damn Country they were born in. I intend to show my children that love can and WILL conquer all hate, ignorance, and bigotry. I intend to spark my light anew, let it shine, and share the love of my favorite time of year ALL YEAR LONG.

Depression will no longer have a hold on me, fear will not engulf me, because I will know in my heart and soul that I love, that my children love, and hopefully that love can spread to the entire world and unite us all as one...

So this holiday season I'm bringing back my faith- my faith in humanity, when I want to throw in the towel, because my children deserve a better world filled with love and acceptance and I intend to model that for them.

I'm not giving up because I'm sick of fear-driven, bigoted rhetoric ruining my happiness.

My growl is slowing evolving into a purr....-

If you are reading this you probably already read my post titled "When in doubt, growl it out", where I disclosed my battle with postpartum depression and anxiety. When writing that post I was nervous, I had a million and one thoughts racing through my mind. "what would people think?" "How will people react?" "I'm so ashamed" "Will people think I'm a bad mother?" The list goes on and on...and all my minds "musings" on the matter were completely and utterly the opposite of what really happened. No one "un-friended me". No one told me to stop being stupid. No one in my life reacted negatively to my disclosure. 

When I wrote that post I shed a mask- and I have never felt so free.

 By giving myself the freedom to be who I am at each moment of each and every day was the best gift I could have given myself. My depression and anxiety are still there, but they don't rule me...I don't have to hide it, resist it, or fight it. I can move past it, accept it, and most importantly call on my friends and family for support when I need it, and they are always willing to answer the call. Whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a kick in the butt, or a sounding board needed - they answer the call. 

A few days after my post was published I walked to my car after work. Typically I walk head down quickly - intent on my destination. However, since publishing my post I have actively been attempting to savor each moment,a task that is not always easy with three children from 3months-4 years old-but I digress. As I was walking I caught a vibrant splash of color out of the corner of my eye. I stopped walking and focused on the most gigantic, vibrant, complete double rainbow of my life! It was amazing...The sky still troubled and stormy, darker clouds looming in the distance, a spattering of rain, yet through it all this vivid color bomb of happiness and light. (The picture doesn't do it justice)

I could not help but think that rainbow was for me, the Universe's way of sending me a hug. I felt so much lighter after sharing my story. My depression and anxiety are still present, like the storm clouds surrounding the rainbow. However my world isn't black and white anymore either. I'm finding my colors again, and when I do, because I will, by golly I'm gonna let them shine! Be a rainbow in the eye of the storm. 

I won't have sunny days and bright skies all my life, but my rain clouds aren't going to be constant either! Storms will come and go, and we all must go with the flow, but my storms don't rule me anymore. In fact I'm learning to dance in the rain. 

Grrrrr...when in doubt, growl it out!

Most nights I climb into bed, snuggle down,  and fall fast asleep (at least for a few hours-until James  rings the dinner bell). However, some nights I climb into bed, snuggle down, and BOOM thoughts of inadequacy, fear, and hopelessness slam into my mind and I am thrown into an anxiety storm of supreme proportions. (Okay maybe a little poetic flair, but the essence rings true)

Most days I rise from my bed to play, laugh, and grow with my children. I love life and all it's blessed mystery, and all is well in the world (excepting the inevitable temper tantrums that come with the toddler territory). However some days I drag myself out of bed, and heavily proceed with life whose blessings escape me through the fog that clouds my heart and mind. 

Let me clarify I have postpartum anxiety and depression. I have fears and feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy...that sometimes rule my world. And I am tired of it...I'm taking back my life. Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" and I am sick of my depression making me feel small and insignificant. But the first step to my recovery (in my opinion) is sharing this experience...I'm shedding my mask that I have so carefully kept in place probably, honestly, since November/December of 2014...

I thought if I kept the mask in place, that if I could fool everyone around me, then I could fool myself. Ultimately that distance created, that veil of separation, made me feel more isolated. Instead of helping it hurt...so it's time to take off the mask.

So, here is the truth...
I have postpartum depression and anxiety. I am a mother, wife, nurse, and woman...I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. I can feel joy and pain, can laugh, cry and smile through the depression and anxiety. I am shedding the mask and letting my light shine through, no matter how dim it seems some days...I can and I will become one with my whole beautiful self once again.

Third time is the charm?

"Motherhood has taught me the meaning of living in the moment and being at peace. Children don't think about yesterday, and they don't think about tomorrow. They just exist in the moment."

-Jessalyn Gilsig 

Motherhood has taught me many, many, many lessons...but one recurring lesson (maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks...) is the need to stop. Stop and smell the roses so to speak. Maybe this third time around will be the trick! 

Too often I find myself rushing to the next task, the next duty, the next item on my forever growing to do list- and too often I find myself getting frustrated with the kids when that is not their plan at that time. However, recently I was "blessed" with two sick children, and when I wasn't nursing the sick at work I was nursing my babies. It was a time that I was forced to push aside my list of tasks and focus on the now - Now is what was important. My babies needed much love and attention and the tasks could wait- they would always be there (and what is a dirty toilet for 1-2 more days really...). It was a much needed eye opener on what my priorities are. While a clean toilet is important, my children wouldn't remember it being dirty a little longer. What they would remember are the snuggles, kisses, and warm arms around them - and those moments I'll hold in my heart forever. 

I may be stressed and bogged down with details more often than I care to admit...but I'm working on it. Working on living in the moment and giving my children the attention they need now so that when I have time to stop I don't regret not stopping in the past....

 

 The Perfect Mother

You're not a perfect mother 

You yell and stomp and cry.

You get very frustrated 

When I (again) ask why?

You're not a perfect mother

Our house can be a mess

and sometimes I miss my bath time

but Mommy, I've got something to confess

I've seen the way your face lights up

when in joy you hear me giggle. 

I've felt the love in your embrace

as we snuggle, dance, and wiggle. 

So, you're not a perfect mother

those who say they are- are lying. 

I love you just the way you are

You're the best, let's both just keep on trying. 

Winter Whirlwind

I sit in the light of my tree and Christmas lights this Christmas Eve morning thinking back on the month's events. What a whirlwind! Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, a very close second to Thanksgiving and Autumn, and I feel as though a part of the magic was lost, to no ones fault but mine own,  in the hustle and bustle of my focus on stresses and plans. I have not been the most patient woman, but this changes today. Today, tomorrow, and hopefully most days after I choose to find the sliver  lining around my clouds, because when I stop to look at the lining the clouds don't look so big after all...I have so much to be grateful for, and my blessings far outweigh any challenge or obstacle thrown my way. See!

My two mischievous elves enjoyed all the play time with
Aunties who came to help Scott while I worked.
 

My beautiful sister-in-law is expecting in February. 

And my other beautiful sister-in-law gave birth to a precious little girl! I am an Auntie everybody!!! 

As some of you know Scott broke his ankle on Thanksgiving and required surgery. This was quite a challenge during this time of year- particularly while I am 6 months pregnant, we have two (very active) toddlers, and planning a move...for as most of you don't know our little family will be relocating to Cheyenne, WY to be closer to my Grandma. A stressful time to be sure, and I have been worn thin working, and doing house duties. However, I have had enough of the poor me attitude and I now choose to be thankful for the overwhelming sense of gratitude for all my family does have- mostly the support and love of family and friends, which we never could have done without these past few weeks! How rich we truly are!

My hubby's bionic post surgery
ankle...

Getting pre-surgery snuggles by the tree

Ren provided cookies for Pops post surgery treat. 

Abby provided comic relief when the pain medication
didn't kick in right away...

This past month has been filled with a multitude of blessings to balance out the stresses...all I have to do is realize it...or as my pal Dumbledore says "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light".  Merry Christmas Eve to all my friends and family, may your light stay on-stay bright- all the year through....

Smile

"Peace begins with a smile" 

- Mother Teresa 

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was feeling grumpy for no reason, annoyed at the silliest things...I knew I was being silly, but I just couldn't help it. Then I got this little reminder from my tea bag, while I was stomping around the kitchen...

Smile...sounds simple, and honestly the "irony" of it did make me smile(reluctantly)...then I started to think. Why the hell am I so grumpy?

I saw an absolutely amazingly beautiful sunrise, laying in bed in the peace and quiet..that was the problem. Or I should say MY attitude problem...I was laying there enjoying the quiet sunrise and Ren with all his energy and joy for life comes sprinting in. I wasn't ready to put on my Momma hat. I just wasn't ready. I missed getting up "hatless" and meditating or doing tai chi, writing in my journal sipping tea or coffee before I needed to put on any hats and start the day. 

Well, tough tooties Momma, that ship has sailed (or at least most mornings...) so I tried to smile from the heart. Slowly turning the grumpies into gratitudes...because like Mother Teresa said "Peace starts with a smile". 

I am grateful for my "hats" and I will be at peace with not getting to choose the hat I want when I want, after all life is still good...

Re-embracing my Rainbows

Each day is a blessing-not a burden a choice-not a chore

And each day is beautiful.

I have come to the realization, again (funny how life keeps reminding you), that...right now, life is perfect. It may not be what I expected, what I had planned...but it's part of the bigger plan. And I'm okay with that. 

I may not have a clean house, or fancy things. Hell most days I'm lucky if the things I do have don't have food spilled or body fluids smeared on them. I may not have a lot of money, but money can't buy everything...and we have enough to keep us safe, happy, and full.

Plus...

I do have a wonderful husband who loves, and even more precious, cherishes me. Not to mention the amazing father he is. I have two beautiful, happy, healthy, and sometimes almost too smart for their parent's own sanity children, and I have a healthy child growing inside me. I have gratitude in my heart and a song in my soul. And that you can take to the bank! (and the grave...)

I was singing the other night to Abby before bedtime, "The Dream Song" as we call it from Cinderella. I got to the part about "Have faith in your dreams, and someday...Your rainbow will come shining through.." and I realized as my daughter was 'singing' (its adorable, really) with me I have my rainbows. I still have my dreams, aspirations, and goals for the future. But I am a damn lucky woman to know my rainbows have shone through. 

Through all the storms and clouds of worry and doubt my rainbows shine through to shower me in light and color, encouraging-almost daring me- to dance in the rain...

If the shoe fits...

...You don't always have to wear it. 

 I am 50 days into my 100 days of happiness challenge...half way through to an improved outlook on life! I find am doing better at accepting and embracing my emotions. Finding happiness every day, in the extraordinary and the ordinary.The problem you ask? I have been embracing ALL of them, and I have noticed that some of my emotions are SO not worth embracing. 

The self-doubt and negative self talk should not be embraced as easily as the positive and loving emotions. However, ignoring them is just as harmful as feeding them. When ignored they are like weeds, that slowly take over slowly until they are hard to get a handle on. 

 There is nothing wrong with having these thoughts, they are a natural part of the human process. Acknowledge them and let them go, don't embrace...Don't feed or ignore the weeds of your mind. They are  like a pair of shoes shoved in the back of your closet. It's okay to pull it out put it on, so long as you don't wear it...take it off and toss towards the back again...this is my goal for the next quarter of the challenge..

I am Naishipai.

"Each Day is a choice, not a chore...Each sunrise I witness a blessing, not a burden..." 

I started doing the #100HappyDays Challenge (here is their website: http://100happydays.com/) on June 8th. Today is Day 25, I am a quarter of the way through it and I have learned some very important lessons...or rather have understood lessons already taught that I was not brave enough to put into practice. 

Now I am, or rather now I am willing to try...

Looking through #MyHappy100 so far I've noticed a pattern, almost all of my posts are of my family or of a time where I've taken care to spend time on me. A powerful realization. Too often I putt others needs before my own. Some days putting my "happy mask" on so others will not know I'm tired, or need some TLC. No one can be happy all the time...so why do I try!?!? 

As I continue my 100 Days of Happiness challenge I have added another level. I will embrace all of me-happy, sad, angry, bitchy- I am who I am and I love me. I will honor my emotions, my time, and my needs. 

My happiness is important. My happiness shines through to affect my children, my family, my friends, the world around me. My Maasai name is NAISHIPAI- meaning the happy one, and I now intend to live up to it fully...it's time to throw away the mask. 

It is with this new frame of mind I have decided to "clean off my plate"...one item at a time until I feel that I can balance my needs with my family's, while allowing myself to focus time towards my goals, hopes, and dreams. Not an easy feat, especially since I hate disappointing people-including myself, but I'm up for the challenge...

I am happy, I am Naishipai.

I choose...Happiness, Gratitude, Love.

The blessing, burning, and naming ceremony

Confessions of a Mother

It's Mothers Day weekend, and I'm positive that the Internet will be inundated with messages of love and gratitude to Mother's everywhere. Messages telling Mommy's they should be proud of their "ruined" bodies from pregnancy and breast feeding because you were strong enough to carry life and bring it into the world. How the destruction of their once at least semi-clean house is nothing in comparison to the little fingerprints on your heart, or that the mountains and mountains of laundry are minuscule compared to the mountains you would climb for your children, no matter how old, or how young.

Now, all of these messages are true. (Definitely true!) I'm not trying to sell short the emotional sentiments of honoring motherhood. Becoming a Mother has been one of the best things to happen to me. I'm just saying there is a whole lot of stuff that they don't tell you about Motherhood...

It. Is. Hard. End of story...
It's hard feeling guilty about having healthy children of your own while you help friends grieve the loss of a pregnancy or child. It's hard trying to love your body again beyond the stretch marks and scarred nipples.(And where the hell did all those gray hairs come from!) It's hard laying in bed with a war waging inside you between wanting to go to your (for the tenth time tonight) crying child and just wanting to go to sleep, for the love of Pete! It's hard to continue loving this little creature rolling on the floor in a mad tantrum in the grocery store isle. (Is this really my child?!?)  It's hard waking up from dreams and wondering if you are doing right by your children, or if you are just creating a breeding ground for "Mommy issues" in your future grown up child.

It.Is. Hard. And these confessions are just the tip of the iceberg.
But let me tell you...It. Is. Okay.
It's okay to resent your partner because you have to get up, again, to feed the baby. It's okay to want to pull your hair out and just dream of peeing by yourself. It's okay to close the door and count to ten. It's okay, and VERY VERY necessary to take time just for mommy.

It. Is. Hard. And It. Is. Okay. But you are not alone...there are mothers everywhere who at some point in time have, will, or do feel the exact same way as you. So, this Mother's Day raise your glass! Toast yourself, your mother, your mentors, your friends, and(why not) your children! You are a woman, you are a mother, and you deserve all the love, gratitude and appreciation this weekend! (Even if sometimes you don't feel like you deserve it)
 After all the best thing you can give your children is Love.
Love for YOURSELF, love for your children, and love for the world.

Happy Mothers Day!

Precious Moments

Ren with Abby a few days after Abby was born.

In their new wagon! Abby is 1, Ren is almost 3.

Scott and I on our wedding day...

Spending the night in my Maasai Village

Graduating from Nursing School, 2009. BSN Baby! 

Snuggle time with Grandpa...I miss him everyday...

Co-founding a non-profit and following my dreams. 

"It's not the years in your life that count, its the life in your years!" At least that is what the stamp told me that I found last night when I (finally!) organized my crafting supplies...and tonight after a wonderful day spent celebrating my baby turning one. (I can't believe it!)  I sit reading (I should say re-reading) The Bride Quartet by Nora Roberts. The first book in the series emphasizes moments. Moments in life to be captured, to be remembered, to learn from, and to grow from...life is full of moments..

Too much lately I've let moments escape me, too hurried with tasks to enjoy the smiles and laughter of my children, to stressed to embrace my husband, to overwhelmed to remember that those around me may be overwhelmed to and maybe we all just need a hug...(Hugs make the world go round in my opinion...) 

Maybe I'm just emotional today (or maybe that's every day, but who is keeping track...) but I'm thankful for the moments in my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly. To grow and learn, I'm traveling through life and I hope to Heaven when I'm laying in my death bed I can look back at my life, at my string of moments, and smile...

Lessons from Lyrics

Just in the last few weeks my son, Ren, has changed the songs he asks for at night...and his choices have definitely given me something to think about...

First song he always asks for is Bobby McFerrin's "Don't worry, Be happy". Always a good lesson, and most people could use a reminding every now and then.  I definitely need a constant reminder to worry less, play more. Luckily I have that in my kids.
Tonight I pledge to try and worry less...

The next song he asks for is "Let It Go" from Disney's Frozen. To me this song is a reminder to basically..let it go...stop trying to be something I'm not, stop trying to please everybody, just stop. Let it go, be true to yourself and your soul...
Tonight I pledge to try and be more true to my inner self...

The next song is "A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes" from Cinderella. A pleasant reminder to follow your dreams, follow where they take you, and trust that you can make your dreams come true...
Tonight I pledge to try and follow my dreams...

Well, I have decided to pledge a lot, but notice I used the word try...I can try. I will try. I might stumble and stutter along the way, but I will get up and try again..plus I have two cuties to cheer me on. My favorite quote has always been from Mahatma Gandhi "Be the change you wish to see in the world". It has always called to me...tonight I know why. I want to see a world with less worry and more joy. I want to see a world where people can be true to themselves without fear of ridicule or judgement. I want to see a world where my children can follow their dreams, because they believe. I can be the change, but as Michael put it..I'm startin' with the man in the mirror...I am going to be that change. I may not be able to change THE world, but I sure as hell can change MY world.

Thanks Ren...you and Abby are my biggest teachers. Teach on little ones, teach on...I hope I teach you well

New Year, New Goal

2013 has come and gone, and it was quite the adventure.  Some days it felt like an uphill battle, others like a stroll through the meadow. But our "Mountain of a Year" had more peaks than valleys, including the addition of Abigail Anne to our family, Scott's graduation from his masters program, and a big ol move across the ocean, and a life-changing trip to Africa...just to name a few.

 Through it all one of the biggest life reminders brought back into focus is the importance of surrounding yourself with those who support, love, and cherish you. I have been blessed to have such a network in my life that spans, currently, across continents. I have been, and AM, blessed. In 2014 my goal is to connect and reconnect with those near and far. I am blessed to have everyone in my life, and it is time to let them know how special they make me feel each and every day. I plan to write to those I know, be open to those I do not yet know, smile at strangers, and live each day with a little gratitude in my heart...Happy New Year! May it be filled with love, peace, joy, and laughter. Spread the love this year...

Hand prints, band aids, paint strokes, and kisses...

For those of you who know me well, it comes as no surprise that the 2 of the 3 songs Ren usually asks for at night are "Let It Be" by the Beatles and "For Good" from Wicked. The other night I was singing "For Good" and just started crying(This too for those who know me should come as no surprise) but it just hit me... It had been a hard 'mommy day'. Both kids were fussy all day after not sleeping well the night before... 

 How do kids seem to know when the other finally settled, so its their time to fuss...I didn't know sibling power included the ability to double team tag in and out all night so that mommy and daddy get as little sleep as possible, but I digress.... 

So, needless to say I was ready for bedtime to be over so I could sit and relax with a glass of wine and mindless novel before crawling into bed myself...but Ren just snuggled in deep and looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes of his and I fell in love all over again. It was a perfect reminder on what it means to be a mommy, and was just what I needed. No matter how many spills clean, tears I wipe, or tantrums I deal with in a day I will always be their mommy and they will always be my precious children... and as the song says "you'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart". My children will always be with me as tiny hand prints, band aids, paint strokes, and kisses on my heart...I am blessed <3 nbsp="" p="">

And for those of you who are curious...the other song Ren requests for bedtimes is usually Twinkle Star or some other Broadway tune...

Life is Full Of...

Life is full of...
          

              Wonderful Adventures, Joyous Occasions, and Difficult Decisions...

...But ultimately is definitely worth living! 

A lot of changes have happened so far this year, and many more are to come! It has been an amazing roller coaster these past four years in Hawaii, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I've laughed, I've cried, we have lost family, and gained, I've grown as a person, as a wife, as a mom...now it's time yet again to spread my wings and fly.

The Wonderful Adventure headed my way, comes this summer when my family and I will move to Colorado to be closer to more family. This decision wasn't easy, but ultimately it's the best, and we are looking forward to this next adventure, and ready to read the next chapter of our lives! 

       

We have been blessed with multiple Joyous Occasions. Abigail Anne joined us on February 25th. Ren loves being the big brother. How we were so blessed to have two amazing children, I may never know. (But then again maybe my tune will change once they hit teenagers...lol...)

       

Difficult Decisions have been many this past month. The decision to move was hard, but once decided upon really seemed like the perfect thing to do. One that is harder for me currently is where to take my career once we move. I have a plan to open a business in 5-7 years...but currently that is just an idea,my brain child, an aspiration...sometimes the first steps are the hardest...

Ultimately, life is perfect just as it is...life will change and that is perfect too. Life is about living, don't fret the small stuff and enjoy the ride... :)

Mater at Heart

You know you have a two year old son when...
                     ...you can quote the entire Disney Pixar's Cars movie.

You know Disney Pixar's Cars is a good movie when...
                    ...you feel like watching it, even though your two year old son is at daycare.

Needless to say, I have watched Cars more times than I can count recently, but I don't mind one bit! Not only do I get the rare snuggle time with my always on the go son, it's an enjoyable movie chock full of little lessons...at least for me
One of my favorite quotes (and I know a lot..) is when Sally says "Cars didn't drive on the road to make good time, they drove on it to have a good time" (or something similar). I thought this was an excellent metaphor for my life. I need to remember in all the hustle and bustle of life to stop, and take time to enjoy the ride..or there is so much I am going to miss.
But the one I learn the most from is .... Good 'Ol Mater!!

I want to be like Mater, at least in outlook on life...not in intelligence. He is always so positive and friendly. Always willing to come to the rescue, wether it be by tow or to listen, by excitement or to offer advice. He is by far my favorite part of the movie (besides the snuggles I mentioned before :-D)

Good Work Disney, you made a good one in Cars... I'm a fan!

Mommyhood the second time around...

Yesterday little Abby made one month, and what a month it has been too! A month full of memories, laughter, tears (both happy and sad), smiles, snuggles, and fears.

The lessons learned this month are many..motherhood the second time around is just as rewarding! However, it is just as fraught with trials and woes..and I'm sure that doesn't change with any new child.

My breastfeeding woes were plenty (again...) but finally breastfeeding is becoming enjoyable! I still have fears and tears that come and go. Am I doing the right thing? What is the right thing? When will this heal? Why can't I feel normal again? Questions and doubts fleeted in and out throughout the month..but so did the smiles, snuggles, and happy memories. It is so amazing watching my son become a big brother, watching him grow and learn. Caring for Abby, nurturing her amazing little body and soul as she becomes part of this world..what could be sweeter?

As the all knowing trash heap sings "We've all got troubles, we've got strife, we've got wo-o-o-es" (Fraggile Rock reference for those of you who are confused :D) But in the long run its all worth it. Life doesn't throw anything our way that we can't handle..all we have to do is figure out the tools necessary and the shoulders to lean on...and I'm figuring it all out, slowly but surely with the help of my wonderfully fantastic and amazing family and friends! I am one blessed girl...

Playing at the Park with my kiddos on St. Patrick's Day! 

All in all..Motherhood is well worth all the ups, downs, and roller coaster dips. It's a wonderful life, and I intend to enjoy it to the last drop.  <3 nbsp="">